Inside My Table #88 | Excerpt
Anon’s 2008 Turkey Awards
The Anons and another couple went to dinner at one of Houston’s finest restaurants not long ago. The service was impeccable, the meal was superb, the room was elegant. So what’s his problem? Most of the other customers.
Don’t people know how to dress appropriately anymore? Guys were there in jeans and bowling shirts à la Charlie Sheen. Women looked like their wardrobes came off the rack at 99¢ Only. Maybe God doesn’t care that parishioners go to mass at St. Anne’s in cut-offs, but Anon does. Doesn’t the deceased deserve more respect than pallbearers in t-shirts? Are people intentionally trying to make what’s-his-name’s “worst dressed” list? Has every day become casual Friday?
Granted, neckties have no legitimate reason for being and high heels keep podiatrists in business, but they make you look nice. And proper. And with a modicum of pride in yourself.
So sue Anon for being a fuddy-duddy, but this magazine hasn’t labeled him its resident curmudgeon for nothing.
And now, the Turkey Awards.
TRUE GRIT A Boston couple was convicted of intentionally eating glass fragments and soaking insurance companies and their restaurant clients for more than $200,000. Their defense: They’re Romas, a gypsy sect, and needed money for their sons’ dowries.
BEST GUEST Carlo Cignozzi, owner of Tuscany’s Il Paradiso de Frassina vineyards, visited Houston courtesy of Damian’s Cucina Italiana. Cignozzi’s claim to fame is that he plays classical music in his vineyards to yield a better harvest. Seems to be working.
DECLINE AND FALL Tilman Fertitta has been trying to buy back by Landry’s, Inc. and take it private. Stock has dropped dramatically in the last year.
BEST SALAD The peach and date combo at Feast. Very refreshing.
WORST NEWS Because of the convoluted immigration policies, finding qualified oyster shuckers is becoming increasingly difficult.
BEST 2008 STATISTIC According to Santé magazine, 67 percent of you say Italian is your favorite “foreign” cuisine.
AND MANY MORE Stellar human and master vibraphonist Harry Sheppard celebrated his 80th birthday at the end of March.
WORST/BEST BAR NAME Depending on your proclivities, consider the Perfect Rack Club on Mangum.
BEST TV SITCOM YOU’VE NEVER SEEN Corner Gas, late nights on WGN.
WOULDN’T WANT TO GO TO THAT FAMILY REUNION Research has shown that Dick Cheney and Barak Obama are eighth cousins.
SHORT (HAIRS) ORDER COOK A diner reports that he recently found pubic hairs in his entrée.
GRITS IS GROCERIES A fellow in Chicago took home the trophy for consuming 21 pounds in less than 10 minutes. Burp!
MINDS IN THE GUTTER TX DOT finally allowed Houston restaurant owner Armando Florido to have a “Forno 1” vanity license after they realized it meant “furnace” and not “fornicate.”
NO COMMENT PETA has suggested that Ben & Jerry’s serve human milk ice cream.
FUNNY. NOT TRUE, BUT FUNNY Campbell’s has come out with large-type alphabet soup for the visually impaired.
TREE OF THE POISONOUS FRUIT Word is out that those lemon wedges they put in your water and tea may contain toxic elements. Comes from unsanitary kitchens and bartenders slicing with dirty knives and not handling with tongs.
WE’RE #20! WE’RE #20! Houston’s ranking among America’s drunkest cities.
NUTS! Six out of 10 Americans eat peanut butter at least once a week. As a country comedian once said, “Man cannot live by bread alone, he must have peanut butter.”
BUT HE’S THE PEANUTTIEST A Washington state high school student was arrested for smearing peanut butter on the forehead of a classmate who is highly allergic to the stuff.
WASABI WITH THAT? New York magazine recently voted Blue Ribbon Sushi Bar & Grill that city’s best place for finger-lickin’ chicken.
WATERING DOWN RELIGION A California (where else?) company is selling “blessed” bottled water under such brands as Formula J that allegedly will restore your spirituality. Is nothing sacred? Yeah, the almighty dollar.
AND SPEAKING OF RELIGION Message posted on a Baptist church sign: “Wal-Mart Is Not the Only Saving Place.”
HAVE I REACHED THE PARTY TO WHOM I AM SPEAKING? At last year’s My Table holiday party, Matthew West MC’ed as Lilly Tomlin’s Ernestine, one of his three uncannily accurate alternate personas.
DOUBLE WHAMMY When Hurricane Ike took out Galveston’s fabled Balinese Room, the Balinese took Hooter’s with it.
WINE FOR THE COMMON MAN In a trend that must have cork dorks popping theirs, sales of box wines rose 44 percent last year.
BEST RESEARCH FINDING OF 2008 A Japanese graduate student spent six years proving that Chinese fortune cookies are actually Japanese in origin.
WORST TABLE The six-top at the very back of the Raven Grill’s dining room. Just say no.
RETURN TO SENDER A Nebraska legislator tried to sue God. The judge dismissed the case because no home address could be found.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED Sign on the back of a Whole Foods bakery truck: “If you can smell the cookies, you’re too close.”
BEST REPLACEMENT FOR BURMA-SHAVE SIGNS The billboards for Buc-ee’s gas/convenience store on I-10 West. A personal favorite: “Your Throne Awaits / Fabulous Restrooms.” Number two: “Ice Made From Scratch.”
GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN #1 The Chicken n’ Egg Roll cafe on S. Shepherd closed after almost 30 years. Longtime Houstonians will remember the location was originally a Toddle House.
GOT THAT RIGHT In his book, A Geography of Oysters, Rowan Jacobsen concludes these delicacies appeal because, “oysters taste like the sea.”
NOW CUT THAT OUT! Too many well-loved Houston institutions have closed this year, like the Greenway Theater, Felix Mexican and West U’s JMH Market. Are we becoming one giant mixed-use development?
BEST PUN The Krew of Barkus doggie parade at Galveston’s Mardi Gras.
WORST TV PERSONALITY The obsequious Ty Pennington on Extreme Makeover/Home Edition.
SAY WHAT? #1 From The New York Times: “No other details were not immediately available.”
SNAIL MAIL A reader writes to say that the prosciutto-wrapped escargot at Bistro Don Camillo are some of the best in the city.
SAY WHAT? #2 Maybe Anon misheard, but did an announcer on early morning news say a couple of tomatoes touched down in West Texas last spring?
JUST ASKING Why does Houston need speed bumps — sorry, road humps — when the potholes are enough to slow anyone down?
BEST MALAPROP #1 “That guy is now persona au gratin.”
YA GOTTA LOVE ’EM The Louisiana Legislature spent a good part of a recent session as well as a huge amount of money deciding to name the Sazerac the official state drink. Some wit said it should have been the Hurricane.
BEST MALAPROP #2 A witness stated she observed a policeman administering “UPS” to an accident victim.
HE IS NOT MAKING THIS UP Singer Tom Jones has insured his chest hair for $7 million with Lloyd’s of London.
BEST FOOD-RELATED JOKE OF 2008 From droll comedian Steven Wright: “I created a major crisis at the supermarket check-out counter yesterday. Tried to buy one of those things that separates your stuff from the next guy’s.”
DIOS MIO! Selling sangria is illegal in Virginia.
SHAME ON US For not giving downtown’s Vin the support it needed to survive.
BEST BAR SIGN “No dancing on tables with spurs” at Blanco’s Bar & Grill.
WORST RECOMMENDATION After years of hearing raves about Clary’s in Galveston, the Anons finally checked it out. History couldn’t redeem what turned out to be seafood cooked the old-fashioned way, which means bland and boring.
PAPER OR PAPER? Recent research shows that between 500 billion and one trillion plastic bags are damaging our landfills, waterways and wildlife.
THE PLEASURE OF HER COMPANY The actress Susanne Pleshette passed in January. Her beauty and sassy comic style will be missed.
P.C. AT ITS WORST DVDs of Sesame Street’s early seasons carried a warning that they were not suitable for children. And why? Because Oscar had a bad attitude, Cookie Monster was destined for diabetes and Big Bird may have been delusional since he was the only one who could see Mr. Snuffleupagus.
BEST CLUE YOU’RE IN A BAD RESTAURANT If there are those white bits of iceberg lettuce in your tossed salad.
JOE’S MY NAME, WINE’S MY GAME. So, of course, he named it Wine by Joe.
WE HAVE A WINNER! The Museum of Fine Arts, Houston led all arts organizations in the United States in private donations in 2006. Grand total: $185.8 million.
PLAY ON WORDS A classic Simpsons episode parodies Cirque du Soleil as Cirque du Puree, while Numbers nightclub offered its Cirque du SoGay spin-off.
UNDERPASS AS ART Check out the bold colors that now brighten S. Wayside beneath I –45.
DUMB AND DUMBER A listener called a radio Q&A program and asked, “What kind of fish is filet mignon?”
BEST LONG-LOST QUOTE Casey Stengel ordered his ballplayers to “line up alphabetically according to height.”
WORST CASE OF HUBRIS Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez created a new time zone for his country.
WITH A NAME LIKE … Friky Chicken, it’s got to be good. And it looks it.
BEST USE OF SONG TITLE IN HEADLINE The New York Times’ “Goodbye Rudy, Tuesday,” analyzing Giuliani’s exit from the presidential race.
THEIR COSTS, YOUR CHECK An alarming article in a 2008 issue of Houston Business Journal noted that restaurants are being hit with dramatic price increases for basic ingredients like corn, chicken, veal, dairy products and frying oil. And those costs will be passed on customers.
BEST RESTAURANT #1, AWAY GAME The Yumm Factory in Lampasas, Texas. As their slogan says, “Nothin’ fancy … just good!”
BEST RESTAURANT #2, AWAY GAME Miniscule El Patio Mexican at 1220 Tremont in Galveston.
CHRONICLE OBITS STRIKE AGAIN A minister’s death notice said he “pastured” churches in several states.
“POP THAT TOP FOR YOU, SIR?” Iron Wine is marketing its grape in 12-oz. soda cans. So what’s the corkage fee?
AGED IN THE CASKET Anyone for a bottle of Marilyn Merlot? As in Monroe.
SHOP ’TIL YOU DROP From a newspaper article: “Debra Jackson said she likes shopping at the Dollar Palace because it is convenient and casual. ‘I don’t have to get all dressed up like I’m going to Wal-Mart.’”
ENOUGH ALREADY! Anon applauds restaurants like TGIFriday’s and Buca di Beppo for finally adding reduced, human-sized meal portions to their menus.
IT’S A START Damian Mandola recently installed carpeting on the undersides of the tables in his Driftwood, Texas, restaurant to bring down the noise level. Houston restaurants might want to consider it.
WAFFLES PLUS FLOOR SHOW Last year a naked couple took their brawl into a Waffle House. This year, Kid Rock and posse engaged in fisticuffs with a patron.
DAFFYNITIONS The Washington Post’s annual neologism contest awards those who create the cleverest alternate meanings to common words. Winning entry: coffee — the person upon whom one coughs.
AND SPEAKING OF FRITOS Americans consume a billion bags a year.
BEST IN BOSTON Headed for bean town? Check out Salts at 798 Main in Cambridge. Voted tastiest restaurant by Boston magazine.
TOTAL TRIVIA The question arose during all those airport flight schedules last year.
Research proves “canceled” is the American spelling, “cancelled” the British. But don’t expect consistency.
BEST SERVICE PERSON Luis, the cordial fellow who works the fish counter at Fiesta Mart on W. Alabama.
STRIKE UP THE MARIACHI BANK Pico’s Mex-Mex on Bellaire celebrated 24 years in 2008. Still the Anons’ favorite Mexican food filling station.
BEST STEAK TARTARE Anon votes for Masraff’s.
BEST FOOD-RELATED NEW WORD YOU NEVER HEARD OF Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. From the Washington Post’s annual reader contest.
IT’S IN THE CAN The designer of the iconic Pringle’s container left instructions that a portion of his ashes should be interred in said can.
